A MTF Transsexual Transition Journey (A 12 month series)
A MTF Transsexual Transition Journey
Hello!
My Name Is Sara.
I'm a 38-year-old Transexual Female.
I was born a girl in my mind, Only my body said the opposite. My life began in Colombia; my parents had a beautiful "boy", but they were about to find out I was no such thing.
I have a big family, fortunately, and when I was around 5 to 6 years old, my first memories were about meeting my cousin Catalina. On a big coffee farm, my family has in Armenia my cousin and I were playing around in the swimming pool, with our respective innocence, when all of a sudden I started noticing I was treated differently by my relatives than she was.
She had this big pink-painted room in her house, a big Barbie house, and as many Barbie dolls as I ever saw, She had her long hair, her delicate face, and princess manners and a full-body swimsuit, while I had my hair short, my chest exposed, and being treated without delicacy, I felt like I was being frauded by life. Of course, I immediately became best friends with her, I wanted to play around all day with her and her Barbie dolls and we shared as much time together as we could. Only my relatives, especially my parents, started getting concerned about that.
After meeting her and figuring out the gender differences, I began feeling uncomfortable with myself, with the clothing my parents wanted me to wear, I cried for days when my parents cut my hair short as a boy.
I needed to be myself.
So when I was around 7 to 9 years old I remember I started to copy my mom's manners. I used to use a razor on my legs just like my mom did, even when I didn't have any hair on my skin, I stared at her when she was getting ready to go to work, looking at how to do makeup and how to apply it on, only to make a mess with her makeup after she left.
back in the '80s, the word trans was a total taboo, I never heard of it until I was around 18-years-old. therefore my parents tried to "fix me" hitting me and hurting me, I didn´t understand why I had to be what they wanted, instead of letting me be myself. So I began protecting myself against hits. One day I decided that if I wanted to stop the rage against me, I should start pretending to be a boy.
What a big fat FAIL!
I couldn´t stand living a lie, I cried every morning while wearing my catholic-school boy uniform, I hated it and I prayed every night to wake up as a girl the next morning or at least in another life. I used to admire girls at school and spend a lot of time with chicks back then, to the point where bullying started. Boys made fun of me for being delicate, for trying to let my hair grow out, for not liking soccer as all the boys did, and for always being among girls; But girls always came to my rescue, it was difficult at first cause I was small and I had no way to protect myself, but then... I grew up.
I got to 6 feet of height and all of a sudden I was the one bullying the bullies, I hated to act aggressively; but, I had to fight for respect, and fortunately, I was strong enough to K.O. one of the most despicable bullies of the school, ever since then, no one messed around with me again in school. But school was not the problem, The problem kept being inside. I kept on trying to hide it from my family, cause I didn't know what I was suffering, what was my situation or condition, I knew I was not a boy but, my body was. I didn't even know the words transgender, nor transsexual, nor transitioning, and to add a little bit more confusion to the subject, I liked girls. I admired them so badly, that I began liking them, but it was fail after fail.
Girls wanted a man, they were attracted to me as a boy (which I hated), but when a relationship started, my partner quickly would notice I was more feminine than her, therefore they used to dump me asap.
I remember one of them. Mariel; She left me saying: "YOU ARE SUCH A GIRL". It was sad losing her, but, at the same time, I loved being called a girl. At this time, I was already at flight school, and I was 21-years-old. Time kept passing by, I kept on pretending to be a boy, days went by, months went by, even years went by until one day I couldn't stand myself anymore...
I needed professional care, but I didn't have it.
Depression ruled my world, and meaningless life got to suffocate me, to the point where I tried to kill myself. Not once, not twice but many times, only somehow my family always managed to get me to a hospital in time. So after so much drama, they scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist for me, they wanted to know why I wanted to die. but I was so scared of telling them that I remained silent.
I kept having a girl's brain and a boy's body, I needed to do something about it, cause I wasn't willing to live as a boy anymore...
Stay tuned to follow this story monthly-updated
Motivational phrase of this blog:
#IT GETS BETTER WITH TIME!!!
#THE PAIN AND SUFFERING PASSES!!!
#DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!!!
I will keep sharing my personal transitioning story.
Love: Sara V.
A MTF Transsexual Transition Journey
Hi!
It is me, Sara Again.
In the last blog, I was talking to you about my strange feelings, feelings I thought were only mine. I thought I was alone in the situation.
I remember, when I was in High School, I was always thinking a lot., I remember my grades, those were awful, I wasn´t very popular at all, I was very depressed, I didn´t find a reason to live for, a simple reason to wake up early for.
Except I had hope...
...Hope
Deep inside I loved life, except I needed "A NEW SUIT" one that fits me better and I didn't know it yet. but, I believe it's true what they say out there: "The world... keeps spinning, who knows what's around the corner." And you know what? I wanted to live to see it, I knew deep inside me there was something more out there for me, or at least I wanted to believe so.
So after all my parents spotted on me, no wonder they got me into treatment, which was no more and less than the school counselor... I didn't mention a word to him nor her.
Ok now, first of all, we them school counselors changed randomly, and without notice, so a trust bond was never able to get build, but also I mean, they were always like, how do you feel today?, and all that stuff seemed read out from a checklist, I was like I know you don´t care at all.
I felt like, wtf is he or she gonna do about it? are they gonna try curing me from being different? or are you gonna get me a new medicine to keep me happy? I thought it was a great loss of time explaining myself over and over to some rando, knowing no one would nor could do anything about it because not even " I " knew what was I suffering...
I remember being called to the school's psychiatrist over the school´s loudspeakers, ( 2.500 students listening ) (Yeah, thanks school, it helped a lot!) ...... I'm being ironic if I didn't make my point lol. They came in, said my name and grade, and asked me to go to the psychiatric treatment Dr's office, it was very embarrassing, although, kinda cool being the black sheep in school I guess!
I only used to find peace at music class... Even at breaks, you'd find me at the music room. I began using a guitar, and I loved it, wasn't long till I learned bass guitar and drum kits, and also piano, so I used to refugee within myself and in the songs I wrote or played, I used to write so much my hands hurt.
The funny thing was I was paying attention to class but, at the same time, I was writing regardless, about anything else,I wasn´t thinking much, just, automatic-writing, like a printer, I guess. And it used to end up in very deep songs, that I never got professionally recorded, but some of them I still remember and I keep some copies of when my band used to play, on TAPES lol... Music became my disconnection, my relief, my UNPLUGGING!
Actually music is what got me into English in the first place. I was born in a Spanish-speaking country and I loved music, one thing lead to another and American music got me into English. I fell in love with that mix, English-music! At least I had something to lay onto when I was feeling so blue...
Stay tuned to follow this story monthly-updated
Motivational phrase of this blog:
#IT GETS BETTER WITH TIME!!!
#THE PAIN AND SUFFERING PASSES!!!
#DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!!!
I will keep sharing my personal transitioning story.
Love: Sara V.
A MTF Transsexual Transition Journey
by Sara Lopez October 1st, 2021
PART 3 OF 12
Hi!
It is me, Sara Again.
In high school, I made a couple of good friends,
they also liked music and rock and had the same need for English than I had back then, so we supported one another like the 3 musketeers "all for one, and one for all", so we started a band, the name?
I have it reserved for my next band, but I can tell you this, it was named after the street in which our recording and rehearsals studio was located at.
I remember, we used to love to play soda stereo, and Gustavo Cerati, Nirvana, Guns `n Roses, the doors, jimmy Hendrix, all these `80s rock classics, we call them, "Clasicos americanos" in my language.
Me with my microphone, and my guitar, selecting the correct effects for the next song, tuning the guitar to perfection, and, is like jumping off a cliff with one of these flying suits, its terrifying at first, but once you jumped, adrenaline kicks in and masterpieces are created standing in front of the bass guitar player, and the drumkit with its respective player too, the tape recording, playing and singing while recording, it gives me goosebumps just thinking of it.
Music and English kept me alive, while, inside I was still struggling with all this confusion. The funny thing here is, I kept admiring and liking girls, but strangely, cause, still today, and obviously more back then, I compare myself a lot, to "xx chromosomes" girls, but at the same time I was jealous, cause I wanted to look like them.
-No no, this can`t be, I was born with XY chromosomes, what is this thing I`m feeling? I needed answers soon, cause I was a ticking bomb, ready to explode. After a while, I began shaving my legs, I hated it if I didn't do it, another day I pierced my ears and begun wearing earrings, and it wasn't long till I began saving my lunch money to get girl's clothing that I was convinced were the correct outfits for me.
It was funny, cause when I had to use the catholic school uniform for boys, I used to feel like I was wearing a costume, on a daily basis, and the shoes... those looked like transformers, I hated those. it was easy finding me crying while having breakfast cause I hated my looks, my short hair, and the fact that I HAD to wear the male's uniform.
Back then, I liked a girl from my school, she was one grade higher than me, I`ve heard some people say " youngsters don't know what love is......if anyone wants to know my opinion, is, when you are young and innocent, love was pure, back then, at that age in my life, I loved fully and without boundaries, is now at the adult life, that love begins to have its weirdness...
Her name... what if we call her L. for this matter, she was close to music, matter fact I used to sing with her at the school`s band, her eyes, her face, her spirit, she was 15 I was 14 back then, we used to spend so much time together, she became my whole world. plus I liked her uniform, I wanted one for myself, that was funny. but back then no one knew a word of what I was feeling. I used to feel guilty for having those feelings trapped in my cracked glass heart.
"L" and I were very in love, or at least we were for a while. I remember her giving me a NAUTICA perfume for my birthday, the blue one, and its bottle looks like a veal from a sailboat. it's curious how just a smell can transport you in time so easily... as I was so feminine, say: my loos, my lack of muscles, my opinions, my behavior was so fem, I guess she lacked a man...
Stay tuned to follow this story monthly-updated
Motivational phrase of this blog:
#IT GETS BETTER WITH TIME!!!
#THE PAIN AND SUFFERING PASSES!!!
#DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!!!
I will keep sharing my personal transitioning story.
Love: Sara V.
A MTF Transsexual Transition Journey
by Sara Lopez March 11th, 2022
PART
4 OF 12
Hi, It's me, Sara, again!
It's a pleasure to say hi again.
I was absent for major forces.
So I was talking to you about when I was around 14, I was in high school, pretending to be someone I was not, young, innocent, I had plenty to live for, but why was I always depressed? why was I always being called in the school´s loudspeaker needing me at the psychologist?
what is this I feel and can't put in words' why did my parents need me to go to the psychiatrist?
Why wasn´t I able to speak about it'
the problem is, I DID¨TUNDERSTAND WHAT I FELT...
I only knew my mind was a girl, and my body didn't correspond to my mind...
you might be wondering " what happened with that love I had back then"
she dumped me, of course, but not before having an affair with my best friend back then, I noticed something was suspicious when one day I was at my best friend's, and I mentioned to him that I wanted to go to her place, I didn't know her place, and so
my best friend and I came out of his place and began an approximately 3 miles walk.
Have you noticed the suspicious thing yet?
I didn't know where she lived, but he said it was a 3-mile walk...
how come would he know that info?
he was having affairs with her, even before I knew where she lived...
I told you, she lacked man
and apparently, she was starving for them, cause then after I forgave both of them, and kept being friends with him, and a couple she and I, she still dumped me for the drum kit player who played on my band...
That was kind of strange, those were caused by me, cause I was so girly I didn't have that manly momentum to flow against the current.
those were painful times, very painful times I needed relief, soon
ASAP!
I wished I lived another parallel reality I didn't like this one as much.
Then I met a way to drift from reality...
Stay tuned to follow this story monthly-updated
Motivational phrase of this blog:
#IT GETS BETTER WITH TIME!!!
#THE PAIN AND SUFFERING PASSES!!!
#DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!!!
I will keep sharing my personal transitioning story.
Love: Sara
A MTF Transsexual Transition Journey
by Sara Lopez March 11th, 2022
PART
5 OF 12
Hi, It's me, Sara, again!
It's a pleasure to be back with you!!!
Last time I mentioned to you guys how I was hating my reality and how my ex-girlfriend dumped me for being so girly, and that I needed a way to escape from reality.
Well, I encountered myself with drugs, I was around 14 to 15 years old by that time.
I fell into using shoe pasting cola, I began using it every night after school, it was a weird experience, it dragged me away from reality.
I started acting weird too, in school I was so retracted and solitaire, although, no one bullied me, cause I was so tall and I looked like I wanted to murder someone, they all knew in my classroom, (no one messes with that one) the unlucky ones from other classrooms stupid enough to mess with me ended up K.O'ed on the schools floor, I was lucky then cause even though I had trouble with the school´s director, for bringing these self-called bullies down to the floor, and them to the doctor's office, and then having the parents of those guys demanding the school for having they "bullies" sons bullied at, I loved kicking their sorry asses before everyone view and to more than one of the self-called bullies had the unfortunate situation of losing a front tooth to my fists.
I even have the scars on my right knuckles ´till today.
It was awesome to have so much strength even though I was skinny, but I was so tall, they even called me " the gringo" because I looked like I was from the USA.
But that drug I was using was damaging my train of thought, it didn't allow me to concentrate in school, I used to reprove all the signatures except for English, music, and ethics.
When my parents noticed I was so aggressive in school, and they figured out I was using that cola to drug myself, they interveined, they wanted me to go to the psychiatrist, and so they scheduled many appointments with him, but, I used to pretend everything was ok when they took me there
I didn't want to end up enclosed in a psychiatric institution, so I NEVER SAID A WORD ABOUT WHAT I WAS FEELING
To this day I think it would have been better if I did speak it out by then, cause maybe I could off have started my transition earlier, a thing that to this day I wonder " what if? "
Maybe if I talked about it by then, I wouldn´t have needed so many surgeries, and, my bone structure would have stayed smaller, but well I can´t go back in time.
Then I met Carolina J.
She came from Miami, Florida and she was new in my class, she was seated in front of my desk, and she was so cool!
I became best friends with her, and she helped me with my English sooooooo much, I can´t even thank her enough.
She was as tall as I am, skinny too, but she was super cool with me, we became inseparable, we used to spend so much time together, not only in class but in the breaks too.. And if I was good at English before her, after her I was almost native.
Then one day, on the bus to school, she gave me a little letter folded in a girly way, I still remember how that letter made me feel, my eyes get a little wet while I write this down, cause it was such a moving letter.
You must be wondering what did that letter say...
I promise I´ll share it with you in the next delivery of these sour at moments and sweet at times story of my life and transition from male to female.
see you around everyone,
Stay tuned to follow this story monthly-updated
Motivational phrase of this blog:
#IT GETS BETTER WITH TIME!!!
#THE PAIN AND SUFFERING PASS!!!
#DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!!!
I will keep sharing my personal transitioning story.
Love: Sara
A MTF Transsexual Transition Journey
by Sara Lopez October 10th, 2022
PART 6 OF 12
Hi, It's me, Sara, again!
It's a pleasure to be back with you!!!
Last Time I was mentioning to you when I met the most beautiful and kind girl I ever talked to, Carolina J.
We were inseparable, I remember going to her house on my bicycle in 1999 and I tried to spend as much time with her as I could.
One day, on our transport to school, I remember she handed me a letter, it was folded in a girly cute way, but I was sleepy so I didn´t read it until we got to school.
I remember the first phrase that letter said: "I wish I could tell you what I feel, I wish I could tell the world this that I feel" she was confessing she liked me, I could not believe my eyes when I was reading that beautiful letter. It turned out that the girl I admired and liked, liked me back, that was so wonderful to feel, that big bunch of butterflies in my tummy, all this electricity flowing downwards and back up, I even collected her items, for example, hair bands, or, lollypops, or her letters, even a piece of her hair, what was I supposed to feel when my life crush suddenly tells me that I am her crush too!
That was not a regular "every day" going on, I couldn't believe my eyes, I was so excited! I remember she and I were talking one night on the fixed phone "no internet nor cellphones were available in the market yet" so I had to call her to her home, hahaha I laugh out loud while thinking of that! In that phone call, she said so many cute things, I was flying without wings.
suddenly, a few days after her confession, I noticed she started acting weird, she didn't want to talk to me, no more letters, no more talking, no more laughter, no more Carolina. I never understood what happened:
one day my dream crush girl said I want you, and the next thing I know she walked away from me in every sense. I was so freaking sad, now I had 2 issues
one was struggling with my inner girl that needed to come out of the closet, and also now I had to deal with losing my crush, and not only my crush, she was also my best friend so I lost them both in one same day.
I can't tell how many songs I wrote, I cant recall how many times I wondered myself "what did I do wrong?", I cant neither tell how many whisky bottles I drank, from my dad's personal collection, nor how many tears ran down my eyes, I can't even tell the number of pieces my heart broke in to.
if I was depressed all alone, imagine back then dealing with that. back then they used to say, "time cures it all" and I agree, only, they never mention how long will it hurt...
See, when you break a bone, u need around 6 weeks or so to heal up. a broken heart can be a life-lasting pain. u may seem like is all fine, but inside u r in a disaster zone.
I think that was the longest time I was in grief for someone ever, I don't remember crying so much for anyone, and the bad part was I didn't know why, or what happened to make her change so bad.
twenty-some years after it all i had the chance to talk to her again, now thanks to the world wide web, and without demanding an answer from her, just asking, but I didn't demand an answer just wanted to know what happened without losing contact with her again.
You must be wondering what did I ask to her, and her reply huh?...
I promise I´ll share it with you in the next delivery of this sweet and sour story of my life and transition from male to female.
see you around everyone,
Stay tuned to follow this story monthly-updated
Motivational phrase of this blog:
#IT GETS BETTER WITH TIME!!!
#THE PAIN AND SUFFERING PASSES!!!
#DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!!!
I will keep sharing my personal transitioning story with you,
hopefully, this text reaches a broken heart and help fixing it!
Love: Sara
A MTF Transsexual Transition Journey
by Sara Lopez November 15th, 2022
PART 7 OF 12
Hi, it’s me, Sara, again!
It's a pleasure to be back with you!!!
Last Time I Promised you all that I would reveal what my dream girl told me back in 1999 after she confessed she liked me and then disappearing.
In the last delivery of this monthly updated story I was saying:
“Twenty-some years after it all I had the chance to talk to her again, now thanks to the world wide web, and without demanding an answer from her, just asking, but I didn't demand an answer just wanted to know what happened without losing contact with her again.
You must be wondering what did I ask to her, and her reply huh?...”
And as I promised I´ll share it with you in the in THIS delivery of this sweet and sour story of my life and transition from male to female.
Ok after being able to contact Carolina back after so many years, I politely asked her:
Caro, when you said you liked me I replied to you that I also liked you back and very badly!
Why or what happened for you to disappear after my reply?
She said, and guys you take note:
-“I have been rejected my whole life, and when you accepted my declaration of love, you didn´t reject me, and that scared me and made me disappear…”
I was meant to never be hers…
It was a great loss for me, but it also made me stronger, and I made a shield all around me, like a firewall, I stopped allowing people in my life and much less in my heart.
After I finished school, I went to Miami and studied in a flight school for 2 years till I got my Aeronautical Pilot License.
I used to work very hard, but, at lunch times, I used to google for “transgender and transexual MTF peoples pictures, to see what it was like, and I identified myself as a t-girl as soon as I learned the term
After finishing my studies my parents got me interned in dominical shock therapy, because they didn’t like how I was, and they wanted me to be a normal person, get married, and all that stuff.
The bad thing regarding so was that when I mentioned to the staff I was not a man, I just looked like one, and demanded treatment for my situation…
They said, hold it, keep that very deep inside for yourself, cause we not only don´t care about it, but we neither treat it so screw you…
I lost 2 years of my life being almost an inmate in rehab.
That place was awful, they used to do all things possible to make you miserable. That was toooooooo much suffering, and one day I saw the chance and I escaped from them!
I ran and ran, I was running for my life for 2 hours, and then I hid in a big forest, I was using obligatory shorts, flip flops, and a bare basic T-shirt, it was around 46°F out there, I was freezing, I had no food, no water, and no chances…
They hunted me down as an animal, I was terrified for my life, but I didn’t want to go back there because I needed the correct treatment for a T-girl, and those devils were not helping me to be a better person, they just attacked you for no reason, as long as someone from the outside world kept paying you would be a prisoner for as long as they want.
I swore vendetta, retaliation, revenge, and persecution to them when they set me free.
But well, I have to say God works in mysterious ways because once I was released both of the owners of that illegal jail would face destiny...
Would you like to know what happened to them and more about this transition from male to female story?
I promise I´ll tell you more about this whole thing in the next delivery of my personal transition story.
See you around everyone.
Stay tuned to follow this story monthly-updated
Motivational phrase of this blog:
#IT GETS BETTER WITH TIME!!!
#THE PAIN AND SUFFERING PASSES!!!
#DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!!!
I will keep sharing my personal transitioning story with you,
hopefully, this text reaches a broken heart and help fix it!
Love: Sara